By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
