We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
