there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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