My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
