I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
