is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
