my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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