1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
