Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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