I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
