mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
