You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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