it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
