Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
