Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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