Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
