Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
