all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
