I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
