i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
