smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
