I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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