woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
