How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
