Tell her she can't have a vagina
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
