i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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