Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
