Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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