My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
