To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
