what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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