My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
