it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
