I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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