the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
