im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
