I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
