the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
