Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
