i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
