is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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