So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
