i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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