Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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