Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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