The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
