I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
