Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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