apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
