Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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