Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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