Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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