Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
